Love has always been a topic of fascination for me. Since I can remember, my favorite genre of movies were always those really obviously exaggerated romcoms like “10 Things I Hate About You” and “13 Going On to 30”. There is something so comforting about convincing yourself that your life will parallel those plots because everything always works out in the end.
In my ‘Intro to Psychology’ class, we had an entire lecture dedicated to love, sex, and the hormones involved. So naturally, as a full time, self proclaimed “love expert” (not really) I can’t help but reflect on my thoughts on the subject. I’m not going to go into the scientific aspects of what causes people to feel love, but rather I would like to talk about my views about being ‘in love’ from a hopeless romantic’s point of view.
Romcoms: I’m not saying that these films are meant to be a checklist of what one’s love life should look like, but many of the themes of love they touch on are not all that preposterous. To prove that, I’m going to go on a bit of a deep dive of the themes of love that lots of romance movies like to touch on. I’ll use them as inspiration to share my unsolicited dating advice to all of you.
Don’t Settle
I see this happen way too often. Whether that be with an unhappy married couple just ‘staying for the kids’ or even young adults convinced that their partner with way too many red flags is surely their ‘soulmate’. My experience in this subject has led me to come up with a few hypotheses for why this is so common amongst our population.
1.) People are afraid of leaving an unhappy relationship in fear of throwing away time that was invested to nurture a relationship that has now withered away.
Coming to terms with the fact that it’s time to finally let go is a hard conclusion to reach. Nobody wants to feel like they have wasted time, energy, opportunities, and maybe even money in something just to have it fail. However, my rebuttal to this is: how is spending time with someone who is not going to help you grow into a better person helping you and all your other relationships in the long run? Spending five years in an immature and emotionally stunting relationship is going to hinder your own personal growth journey. I have seen so many instances where unhappy couples have been together for years, and the result is an underdeveloped emotional complex.
I am not trying to say that growth in oneself cannot be achieved whilst in a relationship. I believe that two people who are good for each other can really help each other grow. However, when the relationship is lackluster and you’re just not happy- you are doing yourself no good.
2.) Some people are afraid of leaving an unhappy relationship because they can’t stand the idea of being alone.
For some, being with just anyone is better than the idea of having to spend any period of time alone. This hypothesis is sadder than the preceding one as it is rooted in deep self esteem and attachment issues. Nevertheless, it’s a bitter reality for many.
Therapy is always a great idea, but if this sounds like you, I would really look into it. The sooner you accept the person (you) who you will be forced to spend every waking moment with, the sooner your life starts to turn around for the better.
Be Patient- Your Time Will Come
This kind of goes hand-in-hand with the previous advice piece. Don’t freak out because it seems like you are the only single one in your friend group. There is so much beauty in being single, so focus on that. This is a time for you to devote your energy to being in tune with yourself. Take yourself on dates, explore what you like, and find out what you don’t like. Learn what flaws you may have and if there is anything you can do to better yourself. Most importantly, learn to enjoy time alone.
I was single for so long and I was actually convinced that there was not a soul out there built for me. Turns out, there very much is. It’s weird when I think back to how my current relationship flourished into what it is today. One day I was very single and the next I was very much not. I swear this sounds like the most cliché thing ever, but things like this always happen when you least expect them to. For me, it literally was like one of those romcom scenes where the two main characters confess their true feelings for one another. It all happened in a flash and I was definitely NOT expecting it.
The second you stop trying to force an outcome with someone, or expect yourself to be in a relationship by a certain expiration date, that’s when the most organic things happen.
Enjoy your time as a single person. Grow. You may even grow in the same direction as someone else.
Watch Out For Those Rose Colored Glasses
When you do first get into a relationship, don’t be too hasty. It’s important to realize that it takes time to really see what a person is like. Rose colored glasses can be a big issue, especially when you commit to something before truly knowing the person you are with. It’s important to learn how to look at your partner objectively sometimes. Learn their flaws (because we all have them) and find out if those flaws are things you can live with. Real love is loving through the tough times, through the odd quirks they have, and loving the not so romantic things about them.
Take the time to get to know the person you are with before seeing if the relationship could work as a long term thing. Take a step back to see if their quirks work well with your quirks. If they don’t, that’s okay too. There are so many people out there whose quirks will suit yours. So back to advice piece one, don’t settle.
